C,
third letter of alphabet.
C,
musical note and key of.
Sea,
ocean.
See,
sight.
See,
religious area.
Si,
Italian affirmative.
“Can you see the sea?” “Si” said Paolo, “This is the sea of Napoli”.
He cupped his hand and made the sign of a C and began to sing in the key of C.
Cafetiere,
he pees through it.
Cafeteria,
self service restaurant.
Cafetiere,
coffee pot.
Calendar,
list of days.
Colander,
strainer.
He noted on the calendar when she used
the colander.
Calendars,
several lists of days.
Calendulas,
marigold type flower.
They listed on their calendars when to plant
the calendulas.
Calf,
back of lower leg.
Calf,
young cow.
Calve,
to give birth to above.
Carve,
to slice.
To calve a calf at the same time to carve a calf is both
dangerous and awkward.
Callous,
stern, hard hearted.
Callous,
corn, hard skin.
Callas,
Diva Maria.
Call us,
phone us some time.
Callas was callous, had a callous in her heel, and all
they could say was call us!
Can,
to be able.
Can,
a metal container.
Cane,
thin stick.
Cane,
sugar.
Cain,
brother of Abel.
Canon,
musical term & popular piece by Pachelbel
Canon,
churchman and church law.
Cannon,
collection.
Cannon,
large gun.
Cannon,
collision.
Canopy,
cover over a bed, aircraft cockpit, uppermost.
branches of trees, part of a parachute.
Canape,
food dish, i.e. vol au vents.
Come under the canopy and we'll eat a canapé.
Can't,
can not, unable.
Cant,
low moaning cry or song.
Cant,
leaning over.
Cant,
waffle (UK slang for inconsequential talk).
Canvas,
durable cloth made from cotton or linen.
Canvass,
go around asking.
Cape,
cloak, as worn by Zorro.
Cape,
spur of land.
He wore his cape when rounding the Cape of Good Hope.
Caper,
berry, often pickled.
Caper,
dance, jest or joke.
Caper,
(US sl) elaborate crime.
If he took the caper as a caper I'll make him caper.
Capital,
supreme part.
Capital,
chief city.
Capital,
principal amount of money.
Capital,
exclamation of excellence.
Capitol,
US seat of Congress.
Cap it all,
that beats everything.
The capital part of his capital was invested
in capital stocks in the capital. “Cap it all, its
Capital” he cried.
Capstan,
nautical winding device.
Capstan,
strong cigarette.
Cap Stan,
Stanley, remove your hat.
Caps. tan,
senior naval officers take the sun rather well.
Cap, Stan, while the caps tan, you can smoke a Capstan
behind the capstan.
Carat,
measure of purity of precious metals, and weight for precious stones.
Carrot,
root vegetable.
Carrot,
bribe, incentive. (from carrot and stick).
For that many carats you can get a ton of carrots, some
of which you can offer to the Mayor as a carrot.
Card,
stiff paper, visiting-, playing-.
Card,
young man about town.
Card,
humourist.
Card,
scrape, wool.
Cart,
wheeled conveyance for goods.
Carte,
menu (fr).
Quatre,
four (fr).
The foppish card took the cart which was loaded with
cards bearing the printed heading “carte”, ordered
“quatre”, from the proprietor as a joke and left. “What a
card”, said the old woman continuing to card her wool.
Cardigan,
Lord, Crimean War.
Cardigan,
place in Wales.
Cardigan,
knitted woollen jacket.
Lord Cardigan obtained his cardigan in Cardigan.
Career,
occupation.
Career,
fast movement.
Carrier,
transporter.
Courier,
transporter.
Korea,
Asian country.
Carer,
one who cares for.
He often careered to Korea for his career as carrier and
Courier and carer.
Carp,
continuous complaint.
Carp,
freshwater fish.
Don't carp about the carp.
Carriage,
wheeled conveyance for passengers.
Carriage,
deportment.
Carriage,
the cost of delivery.
He sat, with erect carriage, in the third carriage,
and thought about the cost of the carriage of the
goods.
Carmen,
girl's name.
Carmen,
opera by Bizet.
Carmen,
(pl) carman, haulier, remover.
Carmine,
vivid crimson.
The carmen were singing the chorus from
Carmen, when Carmen returned wearing carmine.
Car tracks,
tyre imprint.
Cart racks,
shelving for carriers.
Kart tracks,
Go kart circuit.
Cart tracks,
parallel pathways.
Case,
a criminal investigation/trial in court.
Case,
a container-packing-show-display-suit.
Case,
grammatical term.
Case,
(Sl) look over with a view to robbery.
Case,
“Event” in case of fire, pull this chord.
He cased the joint with a case of tools in case he needed
them later if the case came to court.
Cast,
throwing out, as in net.
Cast,
company of actors.
Cast,
a copy, usually in plaster or metal.
Cast,
covering, as in spell.
Cast,
a squint, perhaps a throwing out of an eye.
He with a cast in the left eye, cast a spell on the whole
cast, who only cast it aside by smashing the plaster
cast.
Cataract,
waterfall.
Cataract,
corneal growth.
Catatonic,
hypnotic state.
Cata tonic,
pussy pick me up.
Cat licks,
a brief wash.
Catholics,
religious persuasion.
The cat licks the Catholics.
Cattle,
cows.
Kettle,
pot for boiling.
I'd rather have a kettle of cattle than a kettle
of fish.
Caught,
(pt) to catch. On camera.
Court,
judicial building, or specific area of same.
Court,
games area for tennis etc.
Court,
woo.
I will court you in court and on the court, but I
hope I don't get caught.
Cause,
event preceding an effect.
Cause,
plea in Court.
Caws,
call of a crow.
The cause of the affair was the crow's caws.
So read his cause in court.
Causeway,
path.
Cede,
yield.
Seed,
beginning of a new plant.
Ceiling,
top surface of a room.
Sealing,
closing, containing, protecting.
Sealing,
hunting or culling seals.
“I’ll be sealing the ceiling before I go sealing!”
Celebrate,
rejoice.
Celibate,
without sexual union.
Being celibate is no cause to celebrate.
Cell,
small room usually in jail.
Cell,
smallest structural unit of an organism.
Cell,
smallest organization unit of a group.
Sell,
offer for sale.
Cellar,
place of storage, coal, salt, wine.
Seller,
vendor.
Show the seller the cellar in the cellar.
Cemetery,
place of burial.
Symmetry,
regular shape or form.
Both sides of the cemetery were in perfect symmetry.
Century,
a hundred years.
Sentry,
a guardian.
The sentry has stood in the same place for over a Century.
Cereal,
grain.
Serial,
repeated acts.
Every day on the serial they ate cereal for
breakfast.
Cereal killer,
murderous corn flakes.
Serial Killer,
multiple homicide
Chair,
piece of furniture.
Chair,
modernism for chairperson.
Cher,
Sonny's one time singing partner.
Cher took the chair and sat on the chair, asked for her
share and declared that she would turn her sword into a
plough share.
Share,
division, or holding.
Share,
blade of a plough.
Change,
balance of a payment, small coins.
Change,
exchange.
Change,
Victorian term for Stock Exchange.
You can't change the change at the bureau
de change, or the change, only notes.
Chap,
fellow, man, type.
Chap,
make raw, with wind.
Chaps,
leggings worn by cowboys.
The old chap wore chaps so as not to chap his legs.
Chapter,
part of a book.
Chapter,
part of a church.
Chapped her,
made her sore
He read a chapter whilst waiting in the
Chapter, after he chapped her.
Charmaine,
girl`s name.
Charming,
pleasant. (also ironic.)
Chow mein,
Chinese dish.
Chinese dish,
(sl) asian girl.
Charmaine, a chinese dish,
looked charming whilst eating chow mein.
Char,
menial household worker.
Char,
Tea, (tchai, Tchay).
Chard,
type of spinach.
Charred,
(pt) to char, to scorch.
Shar,
eastern term for leader, Caesar.
The char charred the chard,
so the Shar ordered char.
Charge,
to load a glass or gun.
Charge,
to debit,
Charge,
to attack with speed or force
Charge,
Light Brigade.
Charge,
battery
Charge the guns, charge the enemy
and we'll charge the cost to the company.
Cheap,
low cost.
Cheep,
(chld) bird noise.
Sheep,
quadrupeds or quadruped.
Ship,
boat.
The bird made a cheep as the cheap sheep
were brought on board ship.
Cheek,
side pieces.
Cheek,
mild rudeness.
If he gives cheek slap his cheek.
Chester,
city in Cheshire.
Chester,
one who has a chest fetish.
Jester,
medieval clown.
Chews,
grinds with teeth.
Choose,
to select.
Cheyenne,
Red indian tribe.
Shy Anne,
reticent maiden.
China,
Asian country.
China,
porcelain.
China,
friend, mate.(sl – rhyming = plate))
China from China.
Chips,
fried potato slices.
Chips,
gambling tokens.
Chips,
small fragmented pieces.
Chips,
wafers of silicon used in computing.
Chips (US),
crisps.
In her bag was an assortment of gambling chips,
silicon chips, and some cold potato chips. Her
American friend`s bag contained chips of plaster
and crisps, which she always called chips.
Chews,
mastication.
Choose,
to select.
Choose a caramel and give it one hundred chews.
Chewsday,
common pronunciation of Tuesday.
Chop,
the act of cutting; quick heavy blows with sharp object.
Chop,
rough, turbulent water.
Chop,
an official stamp or permit in the Far East.
Chop,
a slice of mutton or pork with a rib.
Chopper,
axe or hatchet.
Chopper,
woodcutter.
Chopper,
(sl) helicopter.
Chopper,
(sl) penis.
Boris the crazed chopper, held both his choppers,
one in each hand, and screamed abuse at the
chopper overhead.
Christianity,
religion.
Christy Annity,
girl's name.
Chough,
Cornish bird, (prn) chuff.
Chuff,
noise of a train (ch).
Chuffed,
(sl) very pleased.
The chuff chuff frightened the chough who was not
chuffed.
Chute,
slanted shaft from a higher level to a lower one.
Chute,
(sl) for parachute.
Shoot,
to discharge a weapon.
Cigarette,
tobacco for smoking.
Ziggurat,
form of pyramid shaped temple (Babylonians).
Cite,
quote or refer to.
Sight,
vision.
Site,
exact location.
Civil,
not military.
Civil,
polite.
Sybil,
female name (Mrs Fawlty – not civil).
Seville,
Spanish city and orange.
The civil servant was not at all civil, when he spoke to
Sybil in Seville.
Clap,
sharp noise.
Clap,
to put in close proximity, clap in irons,
clap a hand to the mouth.
Clap,
(sl) venereal disease.
Clap,(eyes on)
to observe.
Claps,
(pl) clap, applause.
Collapse,
to fall down.
When the audience claps, you collapse.
Classes,
groups of students, social divisions.
Glasses,
drinking vessels.
Glasses,
spectacles, to read with rather than to
watch. Magnifying lenses.
The various classes used their glasses to
inspect the glasses.
Claude,
man's name.
Clawed,
(pt). Claw, scratch.
Claude was clawed by the lion.
Clerical,
to do with clerks,
Clerical,
to do with the church.
Clerical(grey)
a colour.
He was on the clerical staff of the Clerical Medical
Company and always wore clerical grey suits.
Clip,
to cut out article of interest from a magazine.
Clip,
to trim hedge.
Clip,
(round the earole) slap to hit the ear.
Clip,
to attach together with staples or paper clips
Clip,
to punch, cut or deface a ticket. (Lady bus
conductors in London were called Clippies).
Clock,
a timepiece.
Clock,
(sl) human physiognomy.
Clock,
(sl) to observe, recognise.
Clock,
(sl) to hit, strike.
Clock,
to time.
He stood under the clock to clock how long it would
Take to clock his clock before he clocked him.
Clog,
to block.
Clog,
wooden shoe.
Clog the drain with clog chips.
Close,
to shut.
Close,
nearby.
Clothes,
garments.
Clout,
mark or target.
Clout,
clothing.
Clout,
blow or strike.
Clout,
(sl) influence – political or business.
Coach,
sports trainer.
Coach,
conveyance.
Coach,
train or encourage.
The coach was on the coach but the trainer
coached on the train.
Coaches,
motor vehicles.
Cochise,
Red Indian Chief.
Son of Cochise, him raid coaches.
Coarse,
rough.
Course,
unit of study.
Course,
natural development.
Course,
a path or route.
Course,
part of a meal served at one time.
Course,
a layer of masonry.
Coaster,
a person or thing moving without motive power.
Coaster,
a type of boat plying its trade along the coast.
Coaster,
master of such vessel.
Coaster,
sherry glass.
Coaster,
tray with balled feet.
Coaster,
small placemat.
Coffin,
wooden container for deceased`s remains.
Coughin`,
action of clearing the throat.
Co-Finn,
Finnish partner.
It`s not the cough that carries you off,
It`s the coffin they carry you off in.
Cockaigne,
overture by Elgar.
Cocaine,
proscribed drug.
Was Elgar on cocaine when he wrote the
Cockaigne?
Cock,
male poultry.
Cock,
(sl) penis.
Cock,
(sl) friend, pal, chap.
Cock,
a tap.
Cock,
prepare a firearm.
Cock-up,
error, mistake.
Cock up,
proof of desire.
Cockle,
shell fish.
Cockle,
crease.
Coherence,
sticking together (cohesive).
Incoherent,
incomprehensible.
Coleslaw,
side salad.
Cold sore,
mouthsore.
Cold saw,
Collared,
(sl) to be apprehended.
Collared,
to have a collar.
Coloured,
not black and white.
The brown coloured dog was collared because he was not collared.
Colon,
punctuation mark.
Colon,
lower intestine,
Please write, colon colon, not colon comma.
Colonel,
military rank.
Kernel,
centre of a nut or argument.
The colonel ate the kernel.
Combine,
a threshing machine.
Combine,
put together.
Comma,
punctuation mark.
Coma,
deep state of unconciosness.
Command,
give an order.
Commend,
praise.
Commence,
to begin.
Comments,
remarks.
Company,
a small army unit.
Company,
a business organisation.
Company,
a group of friends.
Compliment,
praise.
Complement,
accompany.
Complement,
permitted number.
Comportment,
bearing.
Compartment,
division, of train or cupboard.
Her comportment in the compartment
was exemplary.
Condemn,
judicial sentence.
Condom,
protective.
Con Dom.
to cheat a priest.
Condominium,
not a place to purchase condoms.
Condone,
to forgive.
Condemn, not condone those who bring
condoms into the condominium.
Conductor,
person controlling an orchestra or public conveyance.
Conductor,
a material which passes electricity, heat etc.
The eminent conductor asked the conductor
how much the fare was, and could he bring his
lightning conductor on board.
The conductor on route 9 was often called the
lightening conductor because of his speed at
collecting fares.
Confidant,
someone you tell secrets to.
Confident,
self-assured.
Console,
keyboard, instrument panel.
Console,
comfort.
Consul,
Government representative.
Consols,
stocks/shares/bonds?
Con sole,
to embezzle a flatfish.
Consumption,
old name for TB
Consumption,
to use up, consume.
Despite his consumption of endless quanties
of medicines he sadly died of consumption
Contract,
to reduce.
Contract,
agreement.
Contract,
catch a sickness
To contract influenza after signing the contract
to contract production, was less than fortunate.
Conviction,
outcome of a trial.
Conviction,
certainty.
It was with absolute conviction that I
secured the conviction.
Cooperation,
working togather for common purpose.
Corporation,
a business structure.
Cop,
policeman.
Cop,
a look or a blow (sl).
Kop,
Afrikaans for hill, Spion Kop, battle.
The cop took a cop from the top of the kop.
Copper,
a base metal.
Copper,
(sl) policeman.
Copper,
(sl) a penny sterling.
Copper,
a boiler – container to heat water.
Copper,
one unlucky enough to cop it.
Copse,
woodland.
Cops,
more policemen.
Corpse,
dead body.
Corps,
mispronounced military unit.
Cord,
string.
Chord,
musical notes.
Chord,
division of an arc.
Make a chord with the cord and strike a chord.
Core,
central or essential part.
Corps,
a group of people who acts a one body rather than individuals.
Cores,
centre part of apples.
The cops from the Corps found the corpse in the
copse, near the abandoned cores.
Corn,
hard skin.
Corn,
maize.
Corn,
poor quality humour.
His joke about corn and corns was pure corn.
Corporal,
army rank.
Corporal,
of the body.
Corporal,
covering of the host and chalice.
Corporal,
punishment – physical chastisement.
Co-respondents,
parties in a divorce.
Correspondence,
letters.
Correspondents,
writers of letters.
I received correspondence from the
correspondents about the co-respondents.
Costa,
Spanish coast.
Cost of,
the bill.
Coster,
vendor from street barrow.
The coster's dream was to retire to the
Costa Brava.
Count,
titled person.
Count,
to list numbers.
Don't forget to count the Count.
Counter,
marker in a game.
Counter,
serving position in shop.
Counter,
person who counts.
Counter,
anti.
The counter moved the counter
counter-clockwise on the counter.
Counterpane,
bedspread.
Counter pain,
an analgesic.
Counsel,
barrister.
Counsel,
advice.
Council,
controlling body.
Counsel gave counsel to the council.
A country,
nation, state.
The country,
between town and seaside.
We often take country holidays in our country.
Coarse,
crude.
Cores,
central parts.
Course,
track or field for sport.
Course,
race or competition.
Course,
period of training.
Of course,
agreement, exactly.
Gorse,
broom.
Cove,
strange or odd man.
Cove,
bay or inlet.
The old cove was found in the cove.
Cows,
bovine quadrupeds.
Cowes,
town on Isle of Wight.
Cows,
(sl), women.
There were cows and cows at Cowes.
Cowed,
bullied, dominated.
Coward,
one who is easily cowed.
Coward, Noel,
a song and play-wright and actor.
Crack,
split.
Crack,
sharp noise.
Crack,
a nineties designer drug.
As she peered through the crack in the door,
she heard the crack of the whip.
Cracker,
an attractive girl, person or object.
Cracker,
(sl) (US) white person.
Crackers,
dry biscuits.
Crackers,
Christmas indoor explosives
Crackers,
(sl) mad, barmy.
Give the dog some crackers, you know he
goes crackers when we pull the crackers.
Crack up,
humour, laugh
Crack down,
impose a curfew, be strict.
Crane,
bird.
Crane,
lifting device.
Crane,
to extend one’s neck.
If you crane your neck you can see if the crane is on the crane.
Crease,
fold.
Decrease,
not the opposite of to crease but to lessen.
Grease,
thick oil.
Kris,
dagger, from Malaya.
Chris,
diminutive of Christopher.
Grease the crease and cut with the kris.
Crick,
in neck.
Creak,
sound.
Crick,
pronounced creek,US for gulley or small waterway.
Crept,
sidled.
Crypt,
burial chamber.
Crapped,
defecated.
As he crept into the crypt he heard a noise
And nearly crapped.
Crewed,
manned.
Crude,
coarse.
Cruet,
salt cellar.
Crews,
ships companies.
Cruise,
voyage.
Both crews went for a cruise.
Cricket,
game.
Cricket,
insect.
In summer one often plays cricket to the sound
of the cricket.
Crisp,
tight.
Crisp,
new.
Crisp,
cold.
Crisp,
fried potato slice.
The lad with crisp curls ate a crisp from the
packet he had bought with a crisp new fiver, and
went out into the crisp frosty morning.
Croak,
noise made by a frog.
Croak,
die (sl).
Croak,
die.
Listen to that frog croak, I'm sure it will croak.
Crock,
pot.
Crock,
(US) unbelievable, untrue statements.
Crock,
old thing.
The poor old crock was out in the rain bringing
back the crock.
Crop,
whip.
Crop,
agricultural produce.
Crop,
part of a chickens digestive system.
Crop,
cut short.
Cull,
selective killing.
Kull,
kill, Scots.
I'd like to kull the men who took part
in the seal cull.
Cue,
pointed stick for playing snooker.
Cue,
pigtail.
Cue,
signal.
Queue,
stand in line
Q,
letter of the alphabet.
On the cue "Q", they formed a queue for the cue,
behind the man sporting a cue.
Cuff,
a glancing blow to the head.
Cuff,
edge of sleeve or trouser leg.
Cult,
religious sect.
Kult,
(pt) kill, Scots.
Aye, the cult were all kult.
Curb,
to restrain.
Kerb,
edge of pavement.
Curb the dog at the kerb.
Curries,
spiced Asian meals.
Currys,
High Street electrical goods retailer.
Kurries,
carries (Scots)
You can't get curries at Currys.
Curry,
to comb – animals.
Curry, favour,
to cow-tow for advancement.
Current,
flow of electricity or water.
Current,
as of this time.
Currant,
dried grape, similar to a sultana who could
be the wife of a Sultan. Often both are
black and wrinkled.
Car rent,
charge for hire car.
The currant was born away by the current current.
Cuttle Fish,
type of fish
Cuddle Fish,
be familiar with a fish
Cygnet,
baby swan.
Signet,
type of ring.
Sig.Net,
ashtray with many holes.
The cygnet swallowed the signet.
Cymbal,
percussion instrument.
Symbol,
mark or device.
His symbol was on the cymbal.
CHINESE WHISPERS
Cargo,
goods.
Car go?
"Does your vehicle run?"
Car key,
small tool for operating motor vehicle.
Khaki,
Urdu word for dust, adopted by British Army as clothing colour.
Castanets,
Spanish percussion instrument.
Cast a net,
to fish, ensnare, trap.
Clematis,
climbing plant.
Clem ate 'is,
Clement ate his.
Concentrated,
consecrated.
Wrong sentence: He consecrated very hard to remember her name.
Right sentence: He concentrated very hard to remember her name.
Consulate,
office of the consul.
Consul ate,
(pt) consul eat.
Coquette,
tease.
Cock ate,
chicken's dinner. – See Blow job
Counterfeit,
false.
Counter fit,
either a sick shop assistant or a made-to-measure serving surface.
Cremator,
one who burns.
Cream 'ater,
one who dislikes the milk product.
Crown inn,
public house.
Crowning,
act of coronation.
Crustacean,
crab like animal.
Crusty Asian,
crabby person from the east.
Curried eggs,
item on a menu.
Curry decks,
3rd class levels on an Bombay steamer.
Curtail,
cut short.
Curstail,
nether extremity of mongrel dog.
Cyclamen,
plant.
Sick lemon,
another plant, but ill.
MALAPROPISMS
He was buried in concentrated land. He was buried in consecrated land.
To remember he had to concentrate very hard. To remember he had to
constipate very hard.
Caopies,
Can O peas.
Chat show,
television entertainment?
Chart show,
popular music entertainment.
Chicken disk
Check in desk/ checking in.
Circumscribed,
circumcised.
Conscussion,
percussion.
A cool shock,
a school clock.
He's a wolf in cheap clothing. (sheeps)
NAMES
Carrie Oakey,
amateur singer.
Clare Delune,
Debussy's girlfriend.
ODDS
Catachresis,
a misused word, not a blessing after sneezing.
Cata-tonic:
Moggie pick me up!
Caesarean section,a district of Rome.
"Is this Cockfosters?" "No madam, it's mine." (attr) Max Miller, comedian.
To "chill out" means to relax not to get cold.
A chip on the shoulder, bearing a grudge.
A chip off the old block, just like his dad.
Achipov,
Russian carpenter.
Colic,
a sheep dog.
Come lest us side door him. Come let us adore him.
Congress tarts, are small cakes something like Maids of Honour, and
have nothing to do with the President's playmates.
If cough, pronounced koff, was pronounced in the same style as bough,
pronounced bow, then cough should be pronounced cow. Please remember
that the Cornish bird called a Chough, is pronounced chuff.
In the cart, in trouble. Possible origin French Revolution, if one
was in the tumbrel, cart, one was headed for the guillotine.???
Cross breeder. Bad tempered producer of livestock.
Cross section, can be a piece of the true cross, a draughtsman's
view, or a bad tempered group of the populace.
Curl up and dye. Sign in hairdressers window.
Curl up and die. Effect on leaves of disease.
John Player's Cigarette Co. issued sets of cigarette cards
containing "Schoolboy Howlers" from 1880's - 1940's.
SPOONERISMS
Battle ships and cruisers. Cattle ships and bruisers.
Car park,
Par cark.
Crushing blow,
Blushing crow.
Is a convenience store a place where one can purchase lavatories?
COUNTRIES
and Places without names, only geographical descriptions:
Austria, Osteriech, Eastern Empire.
Buenas Aires,
good air.
Los Angeles,
the Angels.
Montevideo,
"I see a mountain".
San Francesco,
Saint Francis.
South Africa,
The southern part of Africa,
The Republic of South Africa.
Uruguay,
Banda Oriental d'el Uruguay,
The land to the east of the River Uruguay.
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